I’ve seen it over and over among my friends. In the mirror. And in what I swore I wouldn’t teach my daughters.

It’s that heightened feeling of wanting praise. Of doing something fun or artistic or interesting or intellectual and putting it out into the world and then waiting to see what everyone says about it.

That used to mean sitting by the phone or checking the mailbox as soon as the post comes.

Now it means refreshing your inbox or checking your social feeds.

And it’s relatable, isn’t it? It’s that tail-wagging feeling you crave after working late nights on a big project and wanting someone, anyone, to tell you that you did a good job.

It’s also feeling the raw fear of launching something unlike anything anyone’s ever done before and dreading public failure.

But let’s sit with that unattractive F-word for a second—failure.

Because maybe that’s key…

Backward Thinking At Its Best

Spanx founder Sara Blakely has spoken many times about how her father encouraged her to “fail” as a child. Doing so helped her reframe her challenges into “oops” moments and opportunities to learn—meaning those failures didn’t become evidence that she was a fraud or an imposter.

And fortunately, that’s becoming a common lesson—teaching that failure is okay happens more and more.

You see it all the time in the standard motivational language we feed kids these days:

“How many times did Edison try to invent the lightbulb?”

“If at first you don’t succeed, try try again.”

“You miss every shot you don’t take.”

So failure is obviously part of success. The intellectual in each of us knows that.

Yet understanding that and being a-okay with the idea of really, truly, epically failing as an adult are two different things.

Can We Point a Finger… Somewhere?

To be fair, this is partly a cultural problem.

As kids, and particularly so for young girls, we’re taught to base our self-worth on external validation and the approval of others. It’s not about not failing. It’s about the win in winning.

Problem is, there’s no room there for recognizing your own competence. All too rarely the winning part is celebrated, and very little is said about the slog to get to that win. The try-try-try again part. The failing and getting back up, even if you’re battered and bruised.

Fold in the fact that generations of women have been told to be modest or grateful when good things happen or they succeed, and it gets hella hard to own your brilliance without guilt or awkwardness.

Add to that the systemic failure in most professional settings where, especially when it comes to heavily male-dominated industries, there’s not a lot of psychological safety around failure, coupled with little talk about effort.

We also don’t see people fail publicly unless they’re being smeared across publications or media.

Even those willing to talk about their struggles aren’t often asked about them in interviews.

And there’s some sense in that, because if you’re trying to replicate someone else’s success, it makes sense to ask questions about what worked.

So who’s to blame for this lack-of-love-of-failure crisis, and how do we overcome it?

Julia Child is My Failure Hero

First, we talk about failing. Openly, publicly, in pictures, and in conversation.

There’s a video I once saw of Julia Child tossing a pancake over her shoulder with a muttered, “Well, now, that didn’t work so we’ll just toss it.” It was beautiful. She kept right on cooking.

And then there’s this gem:

“If you’re not going to be ready to fail, you’re not going to learn to cook,” chides Julia.

In the clip above, she also calls Americans out on our fear of failure and gives the French a nod at their ability to overcome. (I know very little about the French success mindset, so I think I’ll take me to France someday to see it in real life.)

The Corny, Simple, Lovely Answer to It All

Second, we choose our focus wisely. So instead of fixating on the fear of failure and overcoming it, we expand the message to simply not care so much about what others think.

Which feels impossible, yes, when you’ve been brought up to salivate at praise. (Or is that just me?)

I can’t blame my parents. They made it a practice of not celebrating my good grades because they (or so I thought) didn’t want to highlight my brother’s less-than good grades. “You’re doing it for yourself, Mindy,” they’d say.” Not true. I did it for the gold stars and my name on the school marquee and the award plaques and the scholarships. (The only thing worth pursuing in that goal-quest was the scholarships.)

I am sharing this to point out that the constant desire to be lauded is a symptom of an award-based culture. But I’m not suggesting we do away with that. Awards are fun. And also, effort should be rewarded. (I get that this opens up a whole other loop about trophy culture if you even set foot in the game, but that’s not what we’re talking about today.)

The question at hand: is it even possible to escape this loop of not wanting to fail and questioning your worthiness when or if you don’t win?

Subscribe now

The answer is so simple. So cornily simple.

The answer is love. Just love. That’s how you escape the loop.

But not romantic love. I’m talking about basic, core, human-to-human love. That kind of love where someone sees you as just a person out there trying to do your best and often succeeding and sometimes not and none of it matters because at the end of the day she’ll still walk a mile with you or go out for pie and will love you whether you just landed the biggest promotion of your life or epically failed at a project that set your company back several thousand.

I never knew the power of this kind of love till recently. (Note: it can come from friends, family, from the opposite sex, from your partner… but it’s that core, unequivocal, individual love we all need and deserve, uncomplicated by the dynamics of labeled relationships.)

The Radical Focus Shift

As for the blame question, and specifically who or what is to blame for this pernicious problem, I don’t think you should waste another thought on it.

It’s just not worth your time. Sure, you could argue that if we don’t call out systemic oppression and cultural bias then it’ll never get fixed. And maybe that’s true.

But I firmly believe that what you resist, persists. I’ve seen it in my life, time and again.

If you choose your focus wisely, that’s where the magic happens.

So I invite you to shift your attention, your conversation, and the way you live your life toward a way of being that’s authentically you, with all your failures and sloppy effort and radiant triumphs.

Next week, I’ll share how I found bucketfuls of this love that supported my own search for authenticity… and why it was so much easier than I thought it would be, thanks to a simple technique.

For now, if you feel called to be more authentic in your own life and career, I’d love to guide you on that journey. Take a peek at this form and apply if it’s a fit.

It’s shocking how often the topic of worthiness comes up in business masterminds with high-achieving women.

More astounding is that the more a woman has achieved, the more she seems to question her worth.

Yet it’s a bizarrely relatable topic for most ambitious women:

• There’s the question of can I keep it up? when it comes to achievements.

• There’s the worry that they only like me because I’m smart/degreed/have a title/earn a lot.

• And then there’s always that niggling little thorn in the back of the mind that asks, “Who am I without my accomplishments?”

Friends, there’s loads to say on this topic. For today, though, I want to share an unusual approach to upending this loopy, unpleasant thinking with a single question that can put a stop to all the worry and angst.

The Magical Query

I was absolutely a doubter when I first heard this. Then I tried it, and it worked.

The single, magical question you need to ask yourself to break free from the harrowing funk of unworthiness is this:

But before you write it off as too easy, too Pollyanna, and not enough of a challenge, hear me out.

For a lot of socio-cultural and biological reasons we’ll explore another day, high-achieving women tend to live on alert. It usually happens after the awards, accolades, promotion, and raise. That’s when your brain starts scanning for danger and personal defects to make sure you don’t fall off the high beam of success.

So asking, “What great thing is going to happen to me today?” works because it flips your brain from the omni-present mode of danger-scanning to instead looking for evidence that good things are happening in your life. Really, it prompts you to find proof that you are, in fact, someone to whom good things happen.

The question effectively interrupts that shame-y, self-critical loop so many of us find ourselves caught in (usually by the end of the day and again at 3 AM, if you’re like me).

It holds the same power as looking inward for your strengths instead of focusing on your flaws. But to be frank, those inner strengths are harder to pin down than it is to look outward for good things happening to you.

This question also activates a sort of confirmation-bias flip: instead of noting all the things you got wrong over the last week, your attention starts catching small positives and wins you’d otherwise overlook.

And then slowly, lightly, your internal story about yourself and your worthiness begins to shift.

Here’s what that looked like when I tried it.

Flaw focused: I forgot to send that birthday text, picked my kid up late, missed the parents’ meeting, canceled my workout, and had to extend a deadline again…

Small-positives focused: My friend dropped off flowers, my kid voluntarily made dinner, my client sent a bonus, that cashier complimented my smile.

What’s different about this approach is that in the second line of thinking, I wasn’t looking for things I did right. I wasn’t trying to flip my thinking with a tit for tat, failure for success kind of balance.

Instead, I was looking outward, assessing the way the world showed up for me. Peculiarly, it made me feel great.

How This Shifts Unworthiness

Consider that unworthiness is often a form of internalized shame. It’s the full-baked equivalent of thinking there’s something wrong with you, and you don’t deserve good things like power, wealth, and influence. (Just so we’re clear, though, you do deserve those things.)

That kind of sludgy thinking becomes a sort of trance over time, or an automatic mindset. Like your go-to way of being.

But a future-oriented, open-ended question pokes holes in that trance by suggesting that you are a person of worthiness. Because if great things can happen to you, then you must be deserving of success and connection and goodness.

When you do this over time, asking yourself the question every day and then gradually collecting evidence that great things do happen to you on a regular basis, your previously up-in-arms brain shifts from the sour belief of “I’m not worthy” to something simpler. Something kinder. Something that makes you smile when you crawl into bed.

Subscribe now

Why It’s So Potent for Driven Women

This flip works particularly well for high-achieving women. They tend to be disproportionately caught in a web of perfectionism, chronic self-doubt, and what I call “never-enoughism” — even when their track record emanates competence.

If your default self-evaluation questions are, “What did I do wrong? Where am I behind? How can I prove myself today?” then you’re stuck in a constant loop of analysis that handily reinforces unworthiness.

But, asking “What great thing is going to happen to me today?” shifts that rotten, evaluative focus from self-performance and fixing over to receiving and allowing.

And when it comes to high-achieving women, receiving and allowing are probably the two most underused skills.

It’s also delightfully low-stakes. It’s not asking you to believe you’re amazing. It’s not a forced positive statement like “I am lovable” or “I am enough.” (There’s a time and place for affirmations—personally, I love ’em—but sometimes they can make you feel worse because your clever mind starts arguing with them and finds ways to prove them wrong.)

This question simply asks you to consider that something non-terrible might happen today. That’s a lot easier to entertain. It doesn’t trigger inner resistance.

Making This Joy-Tweak Part of Your Day

If you ask the question at all, you’re winning. But to optimize its value (because that’s going to be the most satisfying, right?), ask it early in the day. Ask before emails and reports and metrics start pushing your brain into doer-mode (the opposite of receiver-mode).

Then, as the day presses on, deliberately look for any potential answers—teeny or huge—and mentally note, “Hey! That’s one of those great things!” This trains your attention to spot evidence of great things happening around you.

If you want to deepen the effect it has on your high-achieving self, you might occasionally tweak the question to ask,

“What great thing is going to happen for me today that has nothing to do with how productive I am?”

or “What great thing is going to happen when I let myself be imperfect?”

Try it and see. Over time, these little nuggets of great things will grow into a mountain of evidence that shows you are perfectly worthy and wonderful just as you are, in your imperfect, completely human, very capable, high-achieving state.

I’d love to hear how this experiment plays out for you—please share in the comments below.

Leave a comment

Imposter syndrome and the desire for close, fulfilling friendships are surprisingly—and deeply—intertwined.

But not because they complement each other.

It’s because one (the imposter syndrome) wants to kill the other (friendship hunger).

Picture a vine winding around a tree. It might seem harmless. Maybe even pretty.

But in reality, the vine is on its way to strangling the life force out of that tree.

So it is when imposter syndrome and its sisters (self-doubt, unworthiness, and fraudster feelings) come to weigh in on your relationships.

Today, I’d like to talk about how you can flip the play and strangle the vine right off the tree. (In other words, flip those imposter feelings so you can enjoy meaningful, fulfilling, fun friendships.)

How Does Imposter Syndrome Affect Friendships?

Most people associate imposter syndrome with work, as when you attempt to uplevel your career or creative pursuits. Maybe in the past you’ve felt it yourself when you applied for that promotion, or put a piece of artwork out, or launched a new business.

And (relatably) you felt like a fraud while doing it.

The thing is, when you’re struggling with feeling like a fraud, you don’t just doubt your work. You also doubt your worth. This feeds right into how you feel about yourself as a friend and partner.

What’s really happening is that you doubt your sense of belonging…

It’s like having an omnipresent whisper in your ear that tells you you’re not enough and you’ll never measure up.

That bristly whisper turns into self-sabotage.

And that self-sabotage can affect all levels of your life, from your career to your friendships to the way you show up for yourself.

You start telling yourself stories that sound like this:

• If they really knew me, they’d leave.

• I’m not good enough.

• I have nothing of value to offer.

But stop and ask yourself: Why do you feel this way? Especially when you’re in promising situations with potential new friends who’ve said nothing negative? With friends who’ve invited you in, welcomed you, and asked you to participate?

The simple answer is that in this world, in so many ways, being truly seen feels like being on trial.

But it doesn’t have to be that way.

You’re in Good Company With Great Women

I was on a mastermind call the other day with women working to grow their businesses. During certain meetings, we’re invited to share our fears and challenges.

One woman, Cammie, spoke up about her fear of a new friendship she was working on. It was still in the early stages. She’d met a woman at a book club, they’d hit it off, and they were meeting for coffee later in the week.

“But I’m a lot,” explained Cammie to our group. “I’m intimidating. People tell me this all the time. I share too much. And I ask a lot of questions.”

She was almost in tears as she added, “I don’t know how to share about my life without saying too much too soon. And I don’t know where to stop with the questions. I just like knowing as much as I can about people when I meet them.”

You might not think this topic was relevant to a business mastermind group, but through the lens of imposter battles, it’s spot on.

Many high-achieving women are under-nourished relationally because they overachieve professionally. And when you pour everything you have into work success, it’s easy to let friendships atrophy.

Also, achievement can feel safer than connection. When it comes to our professional lives, success is often measured by metrics, output, and hours posted. Real connection isn’t as straightforward.

3 Ways to Extinguish Pesky “Imposter Friend” Fears

Here’s how you work your way through those fears.

First, understand that you’re not alone when you wonder whether you really belong in a group or if you’re genuinely liked.

Allow me to validate you:

I hear you, and I see you in this shame. I’ve been right there in that same hole.

Second, I invite you to collect proof that you are liked.

This is a concrete way to flip that script. It’s easy to state you’re not liked. For example, “She didn’t text me back right away.” Or “They never invite me out. I always have to call first.”

You can reframe this with a list of concrete evidence that the other person is happy to spend time with you. Do they say yes when you invite them out? Do they respond if you text first?

And then think about all the times different friends have initiated an outing or included you or confided in you. If you zoom out to several months or the last year, as opposed to just looking at the last week or two, you might be surprised by how often you’re on the receiving end of an invite.

Subscribe now

Third, be the giver.

One of my favorite quotes by author Frederick Dodson is “The mirror does not smile before you smile.”

So, go first.

Send a text that expresses genuine gratitude for something a friend has done for you. Set up an outing with a group of friends. Phone a friend and leave a real voicemail, telling them it’s been too long and you’d love to see them.

I know this might feel uncomfortable. But consider that the friend on the other end of your text, call, or invite could be feeling the same way you are, wishing someone would reach out and wondering if they’re simply not worthy of connection.

You’ll be surprised how often, when you go first, that beautiful friendship you’re craving is modeled back to you.

And that it wasn’t being withheld because you’re a fraud. It’s right there for the taking if you make the effort and walk through that waterfall of fear.

If you’d like to overcome feelings of unworthiness in your personal or professional life, Imposter Flip Coaching is a proven way to do that. Please click here to apply.

Have you ever felt like an imposter in a friend situation?

Leave a comment

“I guess I’m just so scared,” she said. I could hear the tremor in her voice escaping through the forced smile. Her name was Lorrie.

We were on a mastermind call for businesswomen. Most of us hadn’t met before. We were connected by the wholeheartedness of the company that ran the event, which taught women to be their best selves.

I found myself irritated at Lorrie and simultaneously wishing I could hug her. She came across as someone trapped in a life bungee-corded with kids, a spouse, and daily expectations. All of it mushed together, muting her desire to put herself out there with her dream of opening a crafting business.

The irritation I felt—embarrassed as I was to admit it—was because I could see myself in her.

I spent years feeling scared, holding myself back from reaching for better-fit clients who could pay much higher fees. And for no good reason.

I told myself I needed to learn more first…

I self-argued that the timing wasn’t right…

I constantly looped back to the how of it all, thinking there was still a lot to figure out.

But, like Lorrie, it was really just fear holding me back. It’s why, when asked about what I did for a living, I’d mumble things like: Oh, I’m just a writer. I write from home, on the side. I only do it because I love it. Blahdy-blah blah blah.

And so I zipped up my dreams and sat stationary, ambition dimming with each passing day.

That is, until I had a roomful of girlfriends tell me, “Oh HELL no, Mindy. You’re not gonna stuff it like that. Because YOU are the problem.”

Yikes! Mean! Except they were right. And it changed me.

Pick and Choose These Carefully

If you’d like a similar wake-up moment, start with this question: Have you ever used any of the following phrases in reference to your business, your pursuit, or your money-making endeavor?

• “My little side thing”

• “Just a hobby”

• “I dabble in…”

• “I’m not really an artist/entrepreneur, I just…”

• “It’s not a real business yet; I only…”

I—we—say these things to minimize our effort. Not intentionally, of course.

But because if we say the opposite… “I’m launching a business with the goal to help X number of people and make a million in revenue”…

Then it feels scary, impossible, false, and worst of all, like we’re flinging open the door to our deepest desires and leaving ourselves vulnerable to all the judgers and haters.

But this is an important point of acknowledgement, because there is something to be said for not allowing the doubters in. After all, we’re mere mortal humans. I don’t think it matters how strong and confident you get… words can hurt. Skeptics can shut you down.

So the first takeaway I want to share is to choose your cheerers carefully.

How to Put This Into Practice

When someone in your circle asks about what you’re up to or what your business is, it’s completely okay to withhold. (I’m an over-sharer. This was a hard lesson.)

But also, you don’t want to minimize your answer with self-defeating words. A simple, “I run a business in [niche]” works great. And you can leave it at that.

If pressed for details, respond with “It’s complicated—but thank you for your interest.” Or “I can’t get into that right now, but it’s nice of you to ask.” (I’m a big fan of adding gratitude to everything… kind of ends the conversation on a high note, especially when your goal is to end the conversation.)

At the same time, it’s important and empowering to tell someone what you’re doing. You just want to make sure it’s someone who will support you regardless.

This is where you take a careful look at your friends and family and decide who you’ll be open with. You don’t have to tell them all. (Another great lesson from the archives of over-sharing.)

And having someone cheering you on from the home front is great. But even more important is to have others who support you who know what you’re going through, who are facing the same thing, or who have been there themselves.

That’s where it’s useful to link up with others in mastermind groups, business training cohorts, or training sessions. Even if your fellow business-builders are in different industries offering services unlike yours, they’ll still share the same burning drive to get their thing out in the world.

And that means everything when you’re building something new and you just want to be seen and heard.

The Invisible Bar

The other landmine when it comes to minimizing language around your professional pursuits is that, in most cases, you’ve set yourself an invisible bar. For example: “I’ll call it a real business when…” (insert revenue, follower count, team size, book deal, etc.).

Invisible bars are the product of fear. Maybe it’s fear of judgment, fear of failure, fear of success, or not wanting to make others uncomfortable.

And these fears—which get me so steamed up because I battle them all, too—are mostly rooted in gendered and cultural issues.

It’s especially the case for women. We’re taught to be humble and likable. Don’t be too much. Don’t get too full of yourself. Don’t, stop, wait, hold on, not now…

Truly, there’s so much language and expectation holding us back that I used to think it’s a wonder any woman ever got any business or anything off the ground.

So what separates all the powerful, business-tycoonish ladies from the rest of the fearful feminine?

While a lot is linked to where you’re coming from in terms of culture and family and religion and norms, there are a few simple things that can work for any woman or anyone building a business, regardless of your background.

Subscribe now

Your Power Sentence

Start by acknowledging the power of your own words. When you call your new business a “little hobby” or “just a side thing,” it keeps you rooted in hobby-level energy and passive commitment.

It also damages your self-belief. By downplaying your own efforts, you’re creating a chasm between what you know you’re capable of and what you’re saying out loud.

Minimizing language also makes it difficult for others to take your work seriously. That means it’s harder to charge appropriately, get quality referrals, or be seen as a go-to expert in your field of expertise.

Instead, draft a default sentence. Think of it as a positive, straightforward take on the elevator pitch. For example:

“I’m an illustrator. I specialize in…”

“I run a copywriting studio that helps…”

“I’m building a coaching business focused on…”

For me, the right line became “I help creative women and business professionals flip imposter fears into scalable income that’s $80K and beyond.”

Once I started saying it, it felt right. And it became true.

Next, make some low-stakes changes. Update your email signature and social bio. Send a quick message to describe your work to the friends who already cheer you on.

Finish it all up with an affirmation you can say or write about yourself daily. This one’s all for you, so make it extra juicy: “I’m a creative/smart/talented/gorgeous woman using her gifts to help others in the world succeed in the highest and best way possible.”

Or something like that. You get the gist.

Bottom line: Drop the tiny, shadow-casting language that you and I and my friend Lorrie once leaned on, and build words and sentences that give you a solid foundation of confidence and truth.

And if you’re interested in imposter-flip coaching so you can launch and scale the worthwhile business of your dreams, I’d love to hear from you. Please click here to apply.

What do you say when someone asks you what you do? Has your response shifted over time?

Leave a comment

“You are not your to-do list.”

…is a statement that irks me. Obviously we’re all worth more than what we check off each day. Obviously a list doesn’t define us.

Except that sometimes, it still feels like it does.

I’ve been flubbing the steps to this dance for a long time. Even now, after 18 years as an entrepreneur and 16 years as a parent. And my entire life as a human woman.

So if that phrase lands close to home for you as well, you’re not alone.

Fortunately, I’ve learned some workarounds and fail-safes that pull me past those irksome thoughts, and fast. I’d like to share them with you.

The Hidden Equations of High Achievers

If you have the reputation of achieving, excelling, or winning at things, chances are you have a few formulas running in the back of your mind:

More done = greater worthiness

Rest and relaxation = laziness

Busyness = proof I’m not a fraud

(These are especially true for high-achieving women.)

But we don’t necessarily articulate those thoughts in the above terms. It usually sounds more like:

“I didn’t do enough today.”

“I should be further along by now.”

“If I stop, everything will fall apart.”

And because we’re smart and capable, we build our lives around these viewpoints. We pack our days with all the things smart women/good moms/devoted wives/thoughtful friends/capable neighbors/caring humans do. We say yes when we’re already over capacity. We unknowingly hold ourselves to standards we would never ask of anyone else.

Why? Because of all the praise! We were raised on it. Our culture celebrates this kind of responsible, driven, gets-things-done take on the world.

And if you got a lot of this early and often in life, it’s not even feedback anymore. It’s become your identity. 🙋🏼‍♀️🙋🏽‍♀️🙋🏾‍♀️🙋🏿‍♀️

Who Are You If You’re Not Producing?

A failure, that’s who. (Says my inner voice all the time.)😋

I’m navigating this in real time. In my recent push to clean out my attic, I heaved seven large boxes down to my office. For the most part, they’re the accumulation of things I couldn’t or didn’t want to deal with when my kids were younger, when Covid hit, when it was springtime, [insert excuse here].

Going through them is like chewing on sand. Seeing the unfinished projects, unframed photos, unsent letters, and the literal piles of incomplete to-do lists is beyond uncomfortable. It’s like uncovering little badges of failure over and over again.

Even though none of these things actually matter to anyone but me.

The problem that I’m guilty of, and perhaps you are too, is that it’s very easy to fall into the trap of tying your worth to your output.

But that’s really an exhausting place to be. Over time, that mindset fuels burnout. And any time you try and take a pause, like a vacation or a day off or (heaven forbid) a sick day… it feels like you’re failing.

Because when your worth equals your output, any break feels like proof you’re failing.

That’s wrong. We know it’s wrong. Yet it still feels rotten. So how do you overcome it?

3 Steps to Slightly Better

If you’d like to get out of the un-fun cycle where you go hard → crash → shame → promise to go even harder tomorrow, there are three key steps. They’ve worked for me and for loads of women I’ve coached.

Step 1: Tap your nervous system.

It’s easy to feel like exhaustion, nervousness, hesitation, or mental blocks are a sign of weakness. We’ve been groomed to think we can overcome our human state with sheer will.

But I’m a big advocate of honoring your physical body. This means doing the basics:

• Rest.

• Sleep.

• Eat nourishing food.

• Get sunshine on your face.

• Move your body.

A burned-out, over-caffeinated, self-berating founder can hustle their way into some short-term wins—but it’s rarely sustainable, and it’s never the whole story of who you are.

A regulated, rested founder makes better decisions about pricing, hiring, marketing, spending, and strategy. That person is also a better parent, friend, sister, partner, and daughter.

Step 2: Name your values

Ask yourself:

• If nobody ever saw my accomplishments on paper again—no revenue screenshots, no follower counts, no launch recaps—what would I stand for?

• When I look at others I deeply admire, what do I love about them that has nothing to do with their résumés?

Write down three to five words that feel true for you. They might be things like: kind, present, courageous, honest, curious, playful, grounded, generous.

Don’t overthink it. You’re not getting graded. This is just about noticing the disconnect between who you’re telling yourself you are and who you actually want to be.

Step 3: Collect evidence from your life.

For each word on your list, write down one memory where you lived that value in a way that had nothing to do with productivity or achievement.

Maybe it was:

• Sitting with a friend in their grief when you had a hundred other things to do.

• Telling the truth in a conversation where it would have been easier to stay quiet.

• Walking away from a client or a job that paid well but didn’t align with your principles.

• Showing up for someone else, or for yourself, on a day when you were stretched thin.

Notice how your body feels as you write. Something happens when you see it in black and white. When you can realize, “This is who I am when nobody’s keeping score.”

Right there—that’s your worth. It’s not found in the number of boxes you checked off today. It comes from the way you show up. The way you love. The way you tell the truth. The way you keep trying.

Subscribe now

Also, The Darn To-Do List Still Matters

Your worth comes first, but I invite you to acknowledge you are building something real in all your other endeavors. You have goals and deadlines and money on the line. None of that needs to go away.

But instead of thinking of your to-do list as a verdict, how would it be to simply think of it as a tool?

So the next time you catch yourself stuck in the old pit of “I didn’t do enough today; I am not enough.”

Try replacing it with something truer:

I am allowed to rest even if the list isn’t done.
I am valuable on the days I do a lot and on the days I do a little. Or nothing.
I am building a business that requires me to be well, not just busy.

Now, chances are you’ll forget this. You might slip back into judging yourself by how much you got done.

But again, that doesn’t mean you’ve failed; it just means you’re human. Notice the slip and choose again. Do this enough times and it’ll gradually reshape your identity—and your sense of worthiness.

I’d love to know—how have you overcome the to-do list/worthiness trap? Are you still struggling? Were you never there to begin with?

Leave a comment

It probably wasn’t until Interview #135 that it hit me: Pretty much all of us struggle with feeling like frauds.

As editor of the long-running Barefoot Writer magazine, I’ve directly probed into the minds of over 160 high-achieving writers so far.

It’s fascinating work. These are writers at the top of their field: best-selling novelists, million-dollar copywriters, digital marketing entrepreneurs, a Tony-winning playwright…

And yet…

Every interview reveals some kind of internal struggle, whether it’s the fear of being “found out,” not having a clue what they’re doing, or the worry they can’t keep up with their success.

You’ve probably heard this jumble of rotten feelings is called imposter syndrome—also known as that nagging sense that anything good you’ve experienced was just dumb luck.

That you don’t really have what it takes and never did.

Most of the time, this is framed as a women’s issue. Because statistically, women report experiencing it more often and more intensely.

But that’s not the whole story.

Men feel it, too. They’re just less likely to voice it. The men I’ve asked directly, who opened up about imposter syndrome, were vulnerable and real. They struggle with additional pressure to fit the strong man/hero mold.

Because heroes don’t face imposter syndrome.

Supposedly.

The thing is, if we leave men out of the conversation, it only deepens the stigma.

So I’d like to talk about why imposter syndrome is so widespread, yet hardly acknowledged or accepted.

Who Gave You Permission?

It was 1978 when psychologists Pauline Clance and Suzanne Imes studied a group of high-achieving women who struggled to take credit for their accomplishments. Clance and Imes identified this as imposter syndrome.

Since then, it’s become a kind of catch-phrase for self-doubt.

And for many who work in the online space, it feels magnified—especially if you find it hard to post pictures on social media that showcase your absolutely amazing life. 🙋🏼‍♀️

But here’s the thing. While women have historically been studied more in this context, the underlying psychology of it all—that shaky fear of inadequacy, drive toward perfection, and kneejerk comparisons—well, those are universal.

It doesn’t matter if you’re a woman or if you identify as a woman. Doesn’t matter if you’re a man or identify as such. Doesn’t matter if you’re neither of these. In our wide and wonderful world of colorful humans, we’re all at risk of the imposter trap.

There are loads of reasons. One in particular that points to why women feel this so acutely has to do with our upbringings.

From a young age, girls are often praised for being good rather than bold. That propels us into a lifelong habit of seeking approval and doubting our own authority.

And that early conditioning often shows up in subtle ways.

You’re More Than a Good Dog

I experienced this recently on a tour of an Amazon facility. Our group of 20 wore headsets as we walked through the warehouse, partly to shut out the noise of the massive machinery and so we could listen to our tour guide and ask questions.

To ask a question, you pushed a button on your headset. Everybody else could hear the question, but couldn’t necessarily see who asked it because we were constantly moving forward as a big group, eyes focused on the tech-in-progress.

I was fascinated by the place. I asked a lot of questions. Nobody else knew it was me. But I felt a jolt of pleasure every time the tour guide answered, “Such a good question! Here’s why…” I was living the Pavlovian “good-dog” response to a pat on the head.

It was silly. I enjoyed it.

Maybe that explains why I spent so many years struggling to launch my own client-free business. When I finally did, it was because I had a pack of bad-ass women pushing me to do it and effectively telling me my ideas were good and giving me the permission I thought I needed.

But in my case, it’s only because I got to a place where I could be vulnerable about my fears. My besties scooped me right up and told me to quit that shiznet.

The men I’ve interviewed and worked with are wildly accomplished, but many shared similar doubts: Who am I to do this? What if I’m not as good as everyone thinks?

So they feel the same feels, they just don’t often say it out loud. And it’s less likely they’ll have a group of friends to turn to where they can be vulnerable and get support.

Subscribe now

A Human Issue at the Core

There’s loads more to be said about imposter syndrome and confidence issues. But I think the first step in helping people through them is making this a human problem, not a woman problem.

The next step is to flip the negative conversation about self-doubt. It’s not all bad, you see. Self-doubt usually goes hand-in-hand with growth. Think of it as protection: your brain naturally resists any step outside your comfort zone, but that’s for your own safety. The subsequent swim to the other side of self-doubt is all about proving to your brain that you can expand. You’ve got this.

So I encourage you to talk more about your imposter thoughts. Normalize them. Also listen for it from others, with zero judgment. Leaders are strongest when they model their own insecurities and show how they got to the other side.

Where Do We Go From Here?

I don’t think we can eliminate imposter syndrome entirely. At least not as humans with evolved social wiring that links social acceptance to survival.

But we can acknowledge it. We can welcome it into the conversation and make it one that welcomes all.

And then we can keep moving forward.

What about you? Where has imposter syndrome shown up in your life?

Leave a comment

For high-achieving, competitive women, there are few things as charged – or as damaging – as our own, self-imposed timelines.

It usually has to do with success and establishing ourselves in the world:

“I want to buy my first house before age 30.”

“I plan to earn six figures after three years at this job.”

There are also personal timelines, which are more specific to women thanks to ticking biological clocks:

“I want to be married by this age. I want to start a family by this age.”

Eventually, after all the starter-adult goals pass and we realize we

a) can still be sexy and strong after birthing children and developing crow’s feet and

b) have something massive and important to contribute to the world.

That’s when the timelines feel really pressing.

Because this stage is more about finding ourselves than fitting in. More about being authentic as opposed to blending. And often tied to eyeing self-care for the first time in a decade or two.

Which leads to a lot of ladies feeling like there just isn’t enough time.

Or I’m behind already… why bother to get started?

If You Already Have That Dream…

Substack is an extraordinary watering hole for the later-to-life entrepreneurs, creatives, and business-builders.

I’ve seen scores of posts in the last week alone about people finding themselves after 52, after 65, after 74.

Whether they chose to delay their dreams, had no choice, or were simply slow to realize what they wanted to do doesn’t really matter. What matters is that they got there.

So if you have a dream, any kind of dream… it’s not too late to pursue it. Not at all.

A Plague on Creativity

When you convince yourself that you should do (or should have done) things by a certain time or on a rigid timeline, you’re surreptitiously killing your creativity.

But not just your creativity – also your productivity.

This kind of self-imposed pressure puts you into a reactive, perfection-driven mode—and let’s just all agree, that’s the last place you want to be if you’re building something new or if you’re engaged in any kind of creative work.

Not only does this rigid approach to performance damage your capacity to produce, but it also increases stress and narrows your own cognitive bandwidth.

And what happens when this kind of pressure hits hard?

It amplifies self-doubt. Intensifies anxiety. Drives you into cycles of over-giving and perfectionism, and then dips into burnout and checking out.

All of which, together, is the perfect recipe for imposter syndrome.

Subscribe now

Why Timelines are the Bane of Ingenuity

If you’ve decided, self-imposed or otherwise, that you have to hit a particular deadline or finish a new project by a certain date, your brain makes a mental shift.

You go from exploring possibilities and thinking outside the box to avoiding failure.

And in this state, your attention narrows and your creative risk-taking muscles shrink up.

The effect? You’re robbed of the time and space to incubate ideas. You’re not out daydreaming or walking or napping or wandering around to see where life takes you. And these things matter—they’re all tied to higher originality and increased problem-solving ability.

Tying yourself to a rigid schedule also creates a hefty dose of ever-constant, low-grade stress. This non-stop drip pushes your brain into “survival-mode thinking” (which is not a super creative space, trust me).

In turn, you gravitate toward quick and easy answers and toward familiar solutions over anything novel or unconventional.

And it doesn’t really lead you to what you want… to what you know you were born to do.

So, Flip It.

I invite you to ditch the timeline. Cut it loose.

Because when you live in the opposite of that rigid, survival-driven space, when you’re filled up on self-care and have the freedom to breathe deeply…

That’s when the magic happens. When it all makes sense. That’s when you break out of the box or your comfort zone or any other self-imposed limitations you’ve been battling.

So if you have a long-held dream… if there’s something you’ve been waiting to launch or do or create because it’s not the “perfect time” or because you’re too late or because you don’t feel ready…

Then I invite you to throw all those excuses into the trash. And do the big scary thing.

I’ll be right here, rooting for you.

I’d love to know—what dream have you put off because it doesn’t align with your timeline?

Leave a comment

Everything is possible. There aren’t any mistakes to contend with. No challenges yet to face. Not a single failure to record.

And here in New Mexico where the sun shines 340 days a year, we were gifted a rare and rainy New Year’s. Almost like the city got a post-2025 wash so we could start the new year clean.

I took a nighttime walk in the rain with my little daughter, her warm hand in mine as the rain dripped down. (It’s still the desert; you can walk between the raindrops.)

And I tried to savor that moment right before the clean wash dries. I took in the still-remaining Christmas lights on houses… the scent of wet pine… the full moon glowing pink between the clouds.

Because tomorrow, well… tomorrow it’s on.

Tomorrow is when I have to face all the mistakes I made last year that are yet to be cleaned up.

Tomorrow is when I take on the challenges I’ve vowed to overcome, but haven’t so far.

Tomorrow I start racking up more failures.

And that’s why I’ve landed here, taking my message to Substack along with my commitment to help women+ overcome their impostor challenges.

See, as a writer and business owner, I’ve done some things right. Earned some good money. Had a lot of success.

But for years, I crashed up against my own imposed ceiling, and I couldn’t figure out why.

Now, after two years of deep self-work and about $80K invested in training, coaching, certifications, and conferences…

Plus countless hours assessing and facing and naming and pouncing on my demons…

I figured out what was holding me back, why I’d plateaued around the $100K mark for so long, and—most importantly—how to springboard past it.

This newsletter is now my gift to all the women in similar straits: If you want to trounce your own demons and scale your income, I’m here to show you how.

It’s going to be a great year.

Let’s get started.

And thank you, thank you for being here. 💗