Today is the birthday of one of my oldest and dearest friends.
Kim and I were in elementary school plays together, created a club for our girlfriends called the Asteroids where the signature drink was a “Kimdynerily” (a mashup of our names and really just a suicide soda from the local gas station).
After she moved away, we spent years as pen pals trying to figure out the art of growing up. We supported each other through college, marriage, and having babies.
The only tiff we ever got into was when she beat me at the third-grade classroom spelling bee and then I beat her at the schoolwide spelling bee. (Once we were older, we called it even.)
Some friendships survive because you pour a lot of effort into them. Ours has survived because every time we connect, no matter the decades and distance between us, we start right back where we left off.
But we’re also very different. When our kids were small, Kim told me something I’ve never forgotten: her plan was to be a mother first. She’d have a career “someday,” she said.
This blew my mind. I marveled at her long-term vision and her patience, even as I did the opposite. I put on my Wonder Woman cape and decided I could do everything at the same time and that I’d have the kids and build the career and I would not drop a single thing.
Friends, of course I dropped things. I dropped things all over the place, fat bombs in the middle of every road I chose to walk down.
There were plenty of years where I felt like I was doing both jobs incredibly poorly instead of doing even one job well.
There were also many years where it all worked out, where the thrill of building and growing and writing fueled my ability to show up for my family.
I wouldn’t trade my path for the world, challenges and all, but also neither would Kim. She loves the path she took and now she’s able to start a career from scratch without the bruises and cracks that I carry.
And I’m excited for her. She’s at a crossroads and she is not tired. She’s youthful in the way that people are when they’re finally getting to do something they’ve been waiting for. She gets to create whatever she wants starting now.
Did either of us choose the better path?
Of course not; there’s no such thing.
I know loads of women who’ve stood in my shoes and loads who’ve stood in Kim’s. Both of our approaches have their ups and downs, and also there are loads more paths women can take than just our two.
Maybe you built the career first and then built the family.
Maybe you’re already back working but in a job you don’t care for at somebody else’s company.
Maybe you’re just antsy to start your own thing.
Maybe you’re doubting the path you’re on, or giving side-eye to what you’ve already traveled.
Regardless of where you’re coming from, here are three things I want you to know:
There’s no such thing as starting from zero. This is the all-out lie that stops a lot of brilliant women from going out on their own when they have the time, the resources, or even just the creative urge.
It’s easy to tell yourself,
“I’ve been out of the workforce too long.”
“I don’t have a good resume.”
“I don’t think I can do anything anyone would pay for.”
“I didn’t study for that.”
But that is all, as my Southern grandmother would say, hogwash.
Think about what it takes to raise children: the logistics, negotiation, serious crisis management, budgeting, and constant conflict resolution, all at a level most executives will never reach. It’s about reading people and staying calm when everything is on fire.
The same is true if you’ve been in a job you’re ready to leave or never loved in the first place. That’s about patience and persistence, and maybe people management and keeping your eye focused on the end goal, especially if you were working to support a family or build a retirement to lean on.
Whatever your years have held, they absolutely taught you something.
So before you disqualify yourself, please do me the favor of taking inventory of all the many wonderful things you’ve already done. Write them down. You’ll be surprised how long your list can get.
2. Don’t wait until you feel ready (because there’s no such thing).
This one makes me laugh because I spent a good chunk of my 19 years as an entrepreneur waiting to feel ready and smart enough and connected enough. I finally accepted that those feelings never show up on their own. You feel them only after you begin.
I’ve seen this play out in many other entrepreneurs, too. Every time I interview a high-achieving writer or million-dollar entrepreneur about their career trajectory, they always talk about their own imposter syndrome and how they felt there was no way whatever they were trying to do would work.
And what happens is that I see so many women talk themselves out of doing bold and beautiful things using the same excuses, mostly because they’re still waiting to get to that point where they feel qualified, smart enough, and ready.
But talking yourself out of something doesn’t mean you’re standing still. It might look like taking one more course, earning one more certification, or reading one more book about starting before you actually start.
Those things help, yes.
They educate and enlighten and also they do nothing to get the ball rolling.
Building your arsenal of knowledge is great when it’s about practical things you can do now to take action today. But most of it’s fear-based busywork that ultimately holds you back.
So instead, how about picking one small thing you can do this month that moves you toward your ultimate business goal? Even if it’s just
telling somebody what you want to build,
posting it below in the comments,
adding a price to something you plan to offer,
writing the first page of your book,
or asking someone for a referral.
Because being ready only happens when you start; not before. (Childbirth is a great example here — who’s really ready for that the first time? But when it’s go-time, you sure as heck roll up your sleeves and get it done! 😂)
3. Put yourself in the front of the line.
This is the one, in all my Wonder Woman glory, that I had to learn the hard way — several times, to be honest.
For years I put myself fifth: after the kids, the clients, the deadlines, and whoever else needed anything from me that day. I thought that’s what being a responsible mother/writer/wife/contractor/colleague/friend/fill-in-the-blank was all about.
Really, it was just the fastest way to run out of fuel.
So whatever you build next, build it out of your own energy, judgment, and voice.
Those are the first things to go when you treat yourself as the last priority. And consider that taking care of yourself isn’t about what you do on the other side of helping everyone else; it’s the thing that you do first. From that comes the genius of the work you were born to do.
Remember, there’s no such thing as too late, or wrong, or not enough when it comes to launching your business, writing your book, or whatever else is on your heart to accomplish.
My friend Kim spent decades putting her lovely children ahead of herself and she did it on purpose, consciously, and with love. Now it’s her turn to put herself first. I’m so excited for her.
I tried to put my business and everyone else first at the same time, and it did not always work. But I love what I’ve built and what I’ve learned, and now — like Kim — I know the payoff in putting myself first no matter what else I’ve got going on. (Fun fact: It’s the number one way to overcome imposter syndrome.)
Is It Your Turn As Well?
Happy birthday to Kim and I can’t wait to see what’s next for you.
To everyone else standing at the same crossroads, whichever road got you here, remember that the starting line is right where you are, and it’s okay to go first. Hopefully the good people in your life will be happy for you. If they’re not, their reactions are their business.
Besides, when they see how happy you’ve made yourself, I would hazard a guess they’ll start to understand.