When Imposter Syndrome Makes You Feel Unfriendable
Imposter syndrome doesn’t just sabotage your work—it can strangle your friendships, too. Today, we explore how imposter feelings show up in relationships and how to create the friendships you deserve.
Imposter syndrome and the desire for close, fulfilling friendships are surprisingly—and deeply—intertwined.
But not because they complement each other.
It’s because one (the imposter syndrome) wants to kill the other (friendship hunger).
Picture a vine winding around a tree. It might seem harmless. Maybe even pretty.
But in reality, the vine is on its way to strangling the life force out of that tree.
So it is when imposter syndrome and its sisters (self-doubt, unworthiness, and fraudster feelings) come to weigh in on your relationships.
Today, I’d like to talk about how you can flip the play and strangle the vine right off the tree. (In other words, flip those imposter feelings so you can enjoy meaningful, fulfilling, fun friendships.)
How Does Imposter Syndrome Affect Friendships?
Most people associate imposter syndrome with work, as when you attempt to uplevel your career or creative pursuits. Maybe in the past you’ve felt it yourself when you applied for that promotion, or put a piece of artwork out, or launched a new business.
And (relatably) you felt like a fraud while doing it.
The thing is, when you’re struggling with feeling like a fraud, you don’t just doubt your work. You also doubt your worth. This feeds right into how you feel about yourself as a friend and partner.
What’s really happening is that you doubt your sense of belonging…
It’s like having an omnipresent whisper in your ear that tells you you’re not enough and you’ll never measure up.
That bristly whisper turns into self-sabotage.
And that self-sabotage can affect all levels of your life, from your career to your friendships to the way you show up for yourself.
You start telling yourself stories that sound like this:
If they really knew me, they’d leave.
I’m not good enough.
I have nothing of value to offer.
But stop and ask yourself: Why do you feel this way? Especially when you’re in promising situations with potential new friends who’ve said nothing negative? With friends who’ve invited you in, welcomed you, and asked you to participate?
The simple answer is that in this world, in so many ways, being truly seen feels like being on trial.
But it doesn’t have to be that way.
You’re in Good Company With Great Women
I was on a mastermind call the other day with women working to grow their businesses. During certain meetings, we’re invited to share our fears and challenges.
One woman, Cammie, spoke up about her fear of a new friendship she was working on. It was still in the early stages. She’d met a woman at a book club, they’d hit it off, and they were meeting for coffee later in the week.
“But I’m a lot,” explained Cammie to our group. “I’m intimidating. People tell me this all the time. I share too much. And I ask a lot of questions.”
She was almost in tears as she added, “I don’t know how to share about my life without saying too much too soon. And I don’t know where to stop with the questions. I just like knowing as much as I can about people when I meet them.”
You might not think this topic was relevant to a business mastermind group, but through the lens of imposter battles, it’s spot on.
Many high-achieving women are under-nourished relationally because they overachieve professionally. And when you pour everything you have into work success, it’s easy to let friendships atrophy.
Also, achievement can feel safer than connection. When it comes to our professional lives, success is often measured by metrics, output, and hours posted. Real connection isn’t as straightforward.
3 Ways to Extinguish Pesky “Imposter Friend” Fears
Here’s how you work your way through those fears.
First, understand that you’re not alone when you wonder whether you really belong in a group or if you’re genuinely liked.
Allow me to validate you:
It makes total sense to feel this way. And it doesn’t mean it’s true.
I hear you, and I see you in this shame. I’ve been right there in that same hole.
Second, I invite you to collect proof that you are liked.
This is a concrete way to flip that script. It’s easy to state you’re not liked. For example, “She didn’t text me back right away.” Or “They never invite me out. I always have to call first.”
You can reframe this with a list of concrete evidence that the other person is happy to spend time with you. Do they say yes when you invite them out? Do they respond if you text first?
And then think about all the times different friends have initiated an outing or included you or confided in you. If you zoom out to several months or the last year, as opposed to just looking at the last week or two, you might be surprised by how often you’re on the receiving end of an invite.
Third, be the giver.
One of my favorite quotes by author Frederick Dodson is “The mirror does not smile before you smile.”
So, go first.
Send a text that expresses genuine gratitude for something a friend has done for you. Set up an outing with a group of friends. Phone a friend and leave a real voicemail, telling them it’s been too long and you’d love to see them.
I know this might feel uncomfortable. But consider that the friend on the other end of your text, call, or invite could be feeling the same way you are, wishing someone would reach out and wondering if they’re simply not worthy of connection.
Be the friend you wish you had.
You’ll be surprised how often, when you go first, that beautiful friendship you’re craving is modeled back to you.
And that it wasn’t being withheld because you’re a fraud. It’s right there for the taking if you make the effort and walk through that waterfall of fear.
If you’d like to overcome feelings of unworthiness in your personal or professional life, Imposter Flip Coaching is a proven way to do that. Please click here to apply.